


If You Say Yes

by sunkissedworld



Series: Soulmate Au [8]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Conflict, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pain Bond, Polyamory, Soulmates, Volleyball Dorks in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26433067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunkissedworld/pseuds/sunkissedworld
Summary: It’s moments similar to this; years from now when through time they have built a stable relationship. When communication, patience, and loyalty forms the foundation of their home together. When the pain feels more and more like a blessing than a curse.Bokuto usually finds himself just watching at some point, enjoying the sight of his soulmates together. Oikawa will hold himself much like he did that day, years ago in Ushijima's apartment, his eyes wide and clear; a window to his soul. The words he speaks are honest but unlike before, Ushijima doesn’t cast his head down in shame or frustration. Unlike last time Bokuto doesn’t feel a wave of pain. Unlike last time, Oikawa watches Ushijima, eyes unwavering as he saysI love you.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Oikawa Tooru, Bokuto Koutarou/Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Bokuto Koutarou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Soulmate Au [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747666
Comments: 57
Kudos: 269





	1. My Resolve

**Author's Note:**

> Guys. This is it ಥ_ಥ  
> I mean, I'm sure ill write more fics for this au and I'm sure these three will pop up here and there, but, this is it. (I promised this would be the last part and to keep my promise I had to cheat and divide this fic into two chapters.)
> 
> I'm a little frustrated with how hard it was to write this, especially when all I wanted to do was make them all understanding characters that would just forgive and forget and move along happily in their poly relationship. But I think the conflict about fate and soulmates really added more to the story. I hope that the ending is as fulfilling to read as it was to write.  
> Thanks for all the love you guys have shown this series. All the kudos, bookmarks, comments- my words will never be enough to show my gratitude. Especially with this rare pair. I never expected so much love for a story that only has Kagehina as a popular ship, and I've barely written them.  
> Thank you!  
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Ushijima wakes up to the soft snores of his soulmate.

He is slow to come to his senses. His eyes feel heavy even though the sunlight streams from his window, making it clear it’s way past the time he usually starts his day. His body feels warmer than usual and when he begins to turn to find a comfortable position, Ushijima takes note of the fact that he is still wearing his clothes from yesterday. He frowns at himself, upset at his carelessness before his eyes finally land on Bokuto’s figure still sleeping next to him.

Bokuto is curled in on himself, a pillow safely secured in his arms while his face is pressed against it. Ushijima can barely make out one of his eyes while his hair messily covers the rest of his face. The rest of his body is covered with a blanket, though one of Bokuto’s legs has sneaked past it. Like Ushijima, Bokuto is still dressed in his clothes from yesterday, though he looks much more comfortable than Ushijima feels.

The sight is quite heart warming so for just a few moments, Ushijima watches Bokuto sleep without doing anything else.

But it’s not long until Ushijima’s mind begins to work; piecing the bits of information he received yesterday together, attempting to make sense out of what transpired. With a shaky resolve, Ushijima plays back the events from last night.

Bokuto saw Oikawa. Oikawa… Oikawa is here. Back in Japan. A part inside him stirs at the thought of his two soulmates together. A greater part of him shakes with a mixture of longing and fear. Longing because he misses Oikawa. It’s been years since he last saw him. And for him and Bokuto to be in the same place together? How can Ushijima not yearn for that possibility. For a moment with both his soulmates.

Fear, because Oikawa is still an unknown factor in Ushijima’s life. Fear because the first thing Ushijima remembers about Oikawa is that he hates him and though it’s been five years, who says anything has changed? Fear, because even though it would have torn him in half, Oikawa and Bokuto had not instantly called out each others names to accept their bond.

Instead, Oikawa had been in pain. He was hyperventilating before he collapsed. _‘It’s not something I’ve felt before.’_ Bokuto had claimed and once again, Ushijima finds himself thinking about their bond.

He always just thought that the three of them shared physical pain. In middle school and high school, when he competed against Oikawa, every spike, every serve, every hit— Ushijima can clearly remember Oikawa’s face. He can remember his own reaction. They’ve always matched up. The sting of the ball is something they both chased. And if he ever had any doubts, they were all cleared the day they found out about Bokuto.

It was a backflip gone wrong, Bokuto explained when they talked about it earlier in the week. For Bokuto, his pride had hurt more than his back but for Oikawa and Ushijima— _it was on their third set, Ushijima was getting ready to serve and then, a jolt; a dash of an unknown source of pain coursed through his spine and Ushijima found himself stumbling forward._

_From across the net, Oikawa had kneeled over, a hand pressing against his back.“Oi. What’s wrong?” Iwaizumi’s voice echoed across the court while from beside him, Ushijima heard Tendou’s concerned call. “Wakatoshi-kun?”_

_It took them a few minutes of concentration and deep inhales of breath to get over it. The match was hardly disrupted due to a well timed distraction from the other two Seijoh third years, so for any spectators, they might have missed the entire exchange._

_When they realized neither of them were the source of the pain, a polyamory bond was the only explanation they could reach. Of course since they were still in the middle of a game they couldn’t spare any thought or moment to consider it all. But the moment Wakatoshi laid in his bed that night, he was completely overrun by thoughts of his bond._

Similar to that time, Ushijima is now both unsure and completely convinced in what fate has given him. Ushijima moves, hating the feeling of confusion overtake his body. Gently, Ushijima rolls to the end of the bed. He stands up, careful to not wake Bokuto, before he searches for his phone, closing the door behind his bedroom once he finds it.

It takes him a few minutes to find the right words while his finger hovers over his father’s number. Once Ushijima is sure he knows exactly what he wants to say and is ready to hear what his father is going to say, he dials the number.

His father picks up after three rings. “ _Wakatoshi_.” Ushijima greets him back and then allows his father to start up some mindless chatter before he finally clears his throat to take reign of the conversation. He doesn’t really stumble over his words, but Ushijima can sense his own hesitation in the pitch of his voice. He is sure his father can hear it to. Even so, he doesn’t falter. He tells his father about Bokuto. About their growing relationship. Then he tells his father about Bokuto’s encounter with Oikawa. He tells his father his own opinion of his bond and then— “Why did you file a divorce?”

Ushijima has never asked. He has always been curious but he never quite managed to ask. Now however, Ushijima thinks it’s an answer he needs.

 _“I love your mother.”_ His father claims after a moment of silence, wether or not he is hurt by the question, Ushijima can’t tell. _“The divorce had nothing to do with our feelings or our bond…”_

It was a political thing, so to speak. A matter of money, legal documents and other factors out of his control. His mother had said something along those lines. Like how royalty would marry royalty, wether or not they were soulmates, back in the day. Social standings, financial stability, race— there are many factors that play into what type of relationship soulmates will settle on.

 _“Soulmates are a reality in our world. But there is more to life than just that.”_ His father explains, before he repeats words he shared with Ushijima when he first found out about his bond. _“Soulmates are perfect inevitable unions, but that doesn’t mean all soulmate bonds end in a relationship.”_ Ushijima feels those words hit him like lightning, but nothing compared to the next thing his father says. “ _Son, from what you tell me, It’s seem like Oikawa will only ever love you from a distance.”_ Ushijima’s hands shake. _“Would you be willing to accept that?”_

“Love me?” Ushijima retorts, avoiding the question. “He doesn’t love me. He hates me, he has always hated me and I— I don’t know how to fix that."

 _“You’re not the only one he rejected.”_ His father brings up. _“If you think his reasons don’t go beyond a school rivalry, than why has he rejected Bokuto?”_

“Thats—” Ushijima stops, unable to think of anything to say. Oikawa doesn’t know Bokuto. He has no reason to hate him. Yet why— _he is a very insecure, shallow, ignorant, stubborn idiot. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a reason for being like that._ Iwaizumi had told him on their last phone call together. Iwaizumi had also said something about a childhood trauma. _He witnessed something that changed his views on soulmates._

 _“The pain has always represented a connection for you.”_ His father says. _“Wakatoshi, you have never complained about pain, not when you knew it came from someone you were destined to love.”_ His father’s tone is softer now, meant to comfort. _“I don’t think Oikawa has ever held pain in that same regard.”_

It’s with those words and the realization that perhaps he has once again failed to see something important; has failed to consider a reason beyond the knowledge he holds, that Ushijima ends his call with his father, not before thanking him and wishing him well. It’s with his mind now zeroed in on the small details he has chosen to ignore that Ushijima searches the web for a number he never considered calling before.

He dials the number of the first specialist he finds.

Because Ushijima may not have the answers to the way the bond works. He may not understand why it’s possible for Bokuto to feel emotional pain rather than physical like he is sure both he and Oikawa feel. He may not be able to think back and make sense of what pain came from what soulmate. All of the questions that circle Ushijima’s head carry over worries on what affect they might have on him and his soulmates. The unknown of his bond unsettles him.

Yet.

Ushijima doesn’t _care._ He has never cared. Not about the pain. Not about its intensity. Not about its meaning. Pain has always just been his bond. Pain, to Ushijima, is love. He doesn’t need to understand it. He doesn’t need to make sense of his bond. He just needs—

 _Oikawa._ His heart lurches forward. _And Bokuto._ It beats, loud and clearly. _My soulmates._

But his father is right. _“Good morning. Soulbond clinic, how may I help you?”_ To Oikawa, pain has an entirely different meaning.

-o-

“You kissed him.” Akaashi deadpans and Bokuto has to look away to lessen the embarrassment he feels.

“Why do you say it like _that._ ” Bokuto whines, knowing well his ears are probably already red. “Was I wrong? Was it too soon?”

“I wouldn’t say kissing him was wrong.” Akaashi concedes. “But perhaps the timing wasn’t the best.” Bokuto puts his head in his hands to conceal his shame. “And…you said that afterwards you just slept over?”

“Akaashi.” Bokuto groans.

“And you woke up and he was gone?” Bokuto moves his hands away from his face immediately, not liking the bite in Akaashi’s tone.

“It wasn’t like that.” Bokuto explains before he gets the wrong idea. “He left me a note and breakfast. He had practice.” Akaashi raises an eyebrow in disbelief and Bokuto knows then that Akaashi doesn’t believe a word he says. With good reason too. “Fine. The Adlers didn’t have a scheduled practice but—”

“So he left _and_ lied about leaving.”

“—I called him.” Bokuto continues. “And confronted him about it because I know you would be upset and.” Bokuto sighs. “He wont tell me where he really went.”

“Of course I would be upset.” Akaashi snorts. “Anyone would be upset. This isn't even about me. Aren’t _you_ upset?”

“Not really.” Bokuto answers truthfully. “I— I think I understand.”

“Bokuto.” Akaashi says his name with a mixture of disbelief and pity. Unfortunately Bokuto doesn’t have anything else to say to him to make him understand his reasoning. 

He is at Akaashi’s place, though now with Iwaizumi back in Japan the apartment belongs to both of them. At the moment Iwaizumi is not home and Bokuto is thankful, unsure of how the conversation would have turned out had he been around. It was hard enough telling Akaashi how his life had taken a turn the moment Ushijima appeared at his front door, adding Iwaizumi to the mix could have created unnecessary tension, specially with his friendship with Oikawa.

Akaashi is level headed. He wears an amused expression for most of Bokuto’s story telling, and a great part of Bokuto relaxes at the sight of his friend’s fond smile. Bokuto loves all his friends, and there is a special place in his heart where he keeps the names of those friends that comforted him in any way when it came to sorrows about his soulmates. But while Kuroo and Konoha have been by his side the longest, their stance on the matter is enough to deter Bokuto from reaching out to them. Washio and Tsukishima are two of his most rational friends, but Washio’s own problems with his soulmate and Tsukishima’s reserved personality make them a little unreachable. On the other hand, Atsumu, Sakusa, Hinata and another handful of his other friends privy to his soulmate bond hold a clear bias— they mean well, but Bokuto knows talking to them wont help him make peace with his own resolve.

Akaashi never bothered sharing his opinion on Bokuto’s soulmates or soul bond back in high school, but he was always a comforting presence whenever Bokuto felt the weight of his bond probe at his heart. Akaashi always seemed to know when to pat his back and silently voice; _you’re okay._ And; _give it time._

Now, as Bokuto gushes about Ushijima, Akaashi listens with an open mind. He doesn’t judge Bokuto for opening his door so easily for Ushijima. He doesn’t scold him for hearing him out, for listening to an explanation that could have easily been fabricated lies. He doesn’t make fun of Bokuto for being so optimistic. For trusting Ushijima’s inventions.

He doesn’t even show his disappointment when Bokuto retells him about his meeting with Ushijima after his little encounter with Oikawa. That is until the whole kiss is explained— how it had taken Ushijima to just call out his name for Bokuto to push Oikawa from his mind. How the earnest look Ushijima gave him had been enough to turn Bokuto’s entire heart inside out before he impulsively reached out for him, to claim his lips.

He doesn’t know where the hunger had come from. He can’t really put words to describe that burning desire that overcame him. He doubts Akaashi even wants to hear about it. But now that Bokuto reflects and looks back, he can’t help but feel guilty and disappointed. Specially since he never even got the chance to talk to Ushijima afterwards. They had just spent a good amount of time kissing before they fell asleep in Ushijima’s bed. When he woke up, Ushijima was gone and Bokuto had nothing but some eggs and coffee and a poorly written excuse.

“Am I stupid?” Bokuto finds himself asking, watching the confusion play out on Akaashi’s face. “For forgiving him.” Bokuto clarifies. “For believing him.” _What am I doing?_ He wants to ask. _Why can’t I do anything right?_

From the spot next to him on the couch, Akaashi smiles, extending his hand to place it over Bokuto’s hand that sits on his thigh, gripping onto his jeans. “For loving him?” Akaashi asks, a distant look in his eyes. “I don’t think falling in love with your soulmate makes you stupid.” Akaashi replies. “It’s fate.”

 _Right. Fate, soulmate._ Bokuto can’t find anything to say to that. They sit in silence until Bokuto feels his leg shake with unexplained nerves. “Akaashi.” Bokuto calls out. “I don’t think I can be happy without Oikawa.” He admits, surprised at having spoken those words without even thinking about it. Unprepared with how heavy they feel. “How can I claim to love Wakatoshi if I think like that?” Bokuto feels his throat clog, he feels his eyes water. Akaashi for the first time in a while, doesn’t have an immediate answer for him.

His silence is enough for Bokuto to lose himself in the meaning behind his own words. The guilt he feels for kissing Ushijima and the unexpected calm he feels with Ushijima’s little lie the morning after—

If Bokuto thinks about it, if he truly examines the situation…

_I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I stand. I—I thought I was ready. I thought I knew what I wanted._

“Koutarou.” Akaashi speaks up, silencing Bokuto’s thoughts. “Is there a part of you that doubts your bond?”

Bokuto laughs, a short and humourless laugh. “How can I not?” He says, the truth of those words surprising him more than anything else. And then, as if those words have opened pandora’s box;

“After everything, after being rejected— _twice_ , after finding out it was all a misunderstand, after meeting Oikawa and pushing him into a panic attack, after using Wakatoshi to settle my own feelings of incompetence—” He gasps, his throat clogging with many more unspoken words. “What am I suppose to think? What do I believe? I—on one side, Fate is telling me I have two soulmates. But on the other everything else is proving this isn’t meant for _me_.”

“Kou—”

“I have a poly bond, ‘Kaashi. I’m suppose to have two people by my side. But after everything, I just cant— I can’t see that happening. And I don’t understand why. Why are things like this? Where did I go wrong? What did _I_ do? How can I even fix this? I can’t put words to my feelings and I can’t even— I feel like a kid. Wakatoshi and Oikawa are miles ahead of me. They—Wakatoshi is sure Oikawa hates him and— he must hate me too, right?” Bokuto concludes, not knowing what else to say. Though the first words he spoke are nothing but the truth, as he continue to ramble Bokuto knows he is losing focus of his thoughts, of his beliefs. He knows he is voicing out frustrations that wont mean anything in the long run. Yet—

“It’s so _unfair._ I don’t want to be a burden.” Bokuto confesses, chest aching at the pressure of his ragged breathing. “I don’t want to cause them any pain. I want to be someone Wakatoshi deserves and if— If I could free him, _Oikawa,_ from me— Keiji.” Bokuto chokes back a cry with a short chuckle. “I hate myself for all the pain I’ve caused him.” Silent tears escape his eyes as he finally feels like he has said what he needed to say.

“Bokuto.” Bokuto’s head snaps up, surprised to hear someone other than Akaashi address him.

There, by the entrance of Akaashi’s apartment, Iwaizumi stands; his horrified expression much too similar to Akaashi’s.

“Iwaizumi.” Bokuto says surprised, quickly moving his hands to rub at his cheeks, making sure to remove the tear stains as he tries to collect himself. _When did he get here? How much did he hear?_ “I’m sorry for the intrusion. I just needed to talk to Akaashi— I’ll be on my way.” Bokuto stands up, ignoring Akaashi’s soft protest.

Bokuto moves quickly, shame weighting on his shoulders at the thought of Iwaizumi witnessing this side of him. He keeps his head low, ignoring the feeling of Akaashi’s eyes as he tries to find his jacket to make a quick escape. He tries to be as fast as possible, knowing both Iwaizumi and Akaashi are probably still taking in his words to truly react. _I need to leave._

He makes it to the door, where Iwaizumi stands. Bokuto gathers whatever courage he can muster to face Akaashi one more time to thank him for his time before he turns to Iwaizumi to move past him and— _Ah,_ Bokuto thinks, meeting Iwaizumi’s eyes. _Pity._ “I… I’m sorry for whatever you heard.” Bokuto can’t help but say. “Thank you for having me.”

“You are not a burden.” Iwaizumi says, stepping aside for Bokuto to pass by him. “If there is anything I can guarantee is that Oikawa does not and never has hated you.”

The words feel like a splash of cold water. Bokuto doesn’t know what to say. “Okay.” He utters eventually. _I don’t believe you_. His mind screams. He steps forward, pulling the door open. “Sorry.” He says one more time and Bokuto is almost out the door when Iwaizumi is gripping his hand, stopping him from taking another step. Bokuto stills.

“Bokuto.” Iwaizumi says. “I need you to do something for me.”

-o-

Time. Time is always moving.

Time always obeys Fate.

-o-

_“…So goodbye. My children. My wife. I love you. Please… please remember me as a man of virtue. Please remember those happy moments we shared. This is as far as fate will let me go. I love you.”_

Oikawa blinks, letting the finally words of his father’s letter play in his head for a second longer before he pushes those memories to the back of his head, his focus returning to the moment ahead.

One week. Oikawa has one week left in Japan. One week until he is flying back to Argentina. One week left to say goodbye.

Which is why he stands here, inside Ushijima’s apartment, facing said man in his living room. “It’s been a long time.” He starts, trying to find the courage he needs to go through with this. These are the first words he has spoken to Ushijima since he knocked on his apartment and they already feel doomed.

“Five years.” Ushijima replies, standing perfectly still in front of Oikawa. Oikawa doesn’t know how to feel about that. He doesn’t even know how to feel about Ushijima’s reaction to seeing him here. Oikawa remembers Ushijima’s stoic expression from high school, but this— the parted lips, the wide eyes, the vulnerable stance, this is not how Oikawa remembers him. It feels off. He doesn’t like it.

“Right.” Oikawa laughs at himself, trying to shake his nervousness away. He takes a moment to look around, to access the living room before he snaps his attention back to Ushijima with a little more determination. “This is stupid.” He mutters under his breath before he clears his throat and locks eyes with Ushijima. “I wanted to make some things clear.” Oikawa states. “I’ve been thinking and I think.... I think I owe you an explanation. For what happened in middle school.” _For the time I walked away. For my distance. For my rejection._

Ushijima watches him, his lips narrowing just a bit before he controls the action, straightening up to nod. “I’m listening.” There is nothing smug about his words, it’s a simple honest statement. It’s unfamiliar. Once again, Oikawa doesn’t like it.

“I lost my father at a young age.” Oikawa starts, having already made peace with sharing this information with him. It’s been after all, almost a month since he saw Bokuto, his other soulmate who he needs to get around to finding. He has had enough time to prepare for this. “He took his own life and in the letter he left behind, he made it clear it was because of his soulmate bond.” Oikawa goes on.

 _Now or never._ He thinks. “I, I can’t see soulmate bonds as anything but a death sentence.”

Ushijima’s eyes brighten with something Oikawa doesn’t recognize so he turns away, to keep his mind focused on his objective. “I have life goals— _dreams,_ I have things I want to accomplish.” He inhales. “I don’t— I won’t let fate take that away.” Oikawa swallows. “I won’t push away my life for _this._ This pain I feel. For this bond. For anyone.”

 _There. I’ve said it._ Oikawa inhales, his stomach churns. _Why wont this pressure go away?_

“I understand.” Ushijima mumbles. A second passes. Then another. “I could never ask you to give your life away.” He adds and after a short moment; “I never have.”

Right. So maybe that statement is true. However—“Soulmates come with expectation.” Oikawa stresses. “I can’t be that for you.”Oikawa’s mind takes him back to middle school. To that moment when Ushijima’s spike stung his left hand so hard, Oikawa could do nothing else to deny his growing suspicion. He remembers that feeling. Dread mixed with excitement. “In middle school, when I realized we were soulmates, when you called out to me— I hated you.”

There is a ringing in his head that sounds an awful lot like a warning. It comes alongside this shake in his body that scream at Oikawa to shut up. But unfortunately, the words are already on his tongue before he can even think to listen.

“I hated what you represented. A block to the other end of the tunnel. _I hated you_. But here was fate telling me I was meant for _you_. That you were meant for me.” Oikawa takes a step forward and Ushijima takes one back. The pain he wears presses hard against Oikawa’s chest but he doesn’t stop. “And as if it wasn’t bad enough, we had a pain bond. Every victory you had over me hurt all the more knowing the pain you went through to win.” Oikawa laughs, turning away from Ushijima to catch his breath. “And then it hurt even more knowing that the pain I felt for losing meant nothing to you. You didn’t care.

You could _feel_ my pain, but you never cared.” There is something in Ushijima’s expression that forces Oikawa to pause. There is confusion in his eyes but more than that, there is understanding and sorrow and— _No._ “But you would always come to me, you would call out my name, you would demand me and I— god, I hated you.”

“Oikawa.” Ushijima calls out, his voice strained. _Why are you so upset?_ Oikawa finds himself thinking. _It’s not like I’m using present tense._

“And then, in our third year…” Oikawa trailer off, knowing well Ushijima will understand what he referring to. Oikawa remembers that day clearly. Third year. Shiratorizawa vs. Seijoh. Third set. Oikawa had stumbled, and kneeled over, a sudden sensation of pain coursing through his back. Ushijima himself was barely on his feet, his face focused on maintaining a neutral expression. A poly bond. “I was relieved.” Oikawa admits. “Another soulmate. Maybe an explanation. I went to get tested, I called a specialist, I… I just needed to be sure. But.” Oikawa sighs, perplexed at the realization of just how much he is willing to share with Ushijima. “I have an unbalanced bond.”

“We have—“

Oikawa’s eyes flare. “No.” He snarls before Ushijima can get any crazy ideas in his head. “There is no _we._ I’m the only one that feels the unbalance.” And to prove his point, Oikawa steps forward, hand raising to grip his shirt right above his chest while the distance between him and Ushijima gets shorter. “You can’t feel it, can you?” Oikawa asks, his hold on his shirt hardening. “You can’t feel how much this hurts right now.”

Oikawa sees the moment Ushijima comes to understand his words. “I feel the physical pain.” He says. “You… you feel both?”

Thats not even the half of it. Oikawa reflects, thinking over his next words carefully before extending his hand out. Ushijima stares at him, only looking down on the scar that rests on his wrist when Oikawa points at it. “I got bit by a dog in my second year of high school.” Ushijima blinks confused, his hand extending to ghost over the scar. Oikawa feels a shiver run through his body before he pulls his hand away. “I had to go to the hospital. It was the same day as the Interhigh finals.”Oikawa clarifies, hoping Ushijima understands where he is going with this. After a moment of silence, Oikawa adds; “You never felt it, did you?”

There is a sort of horrified expression appearing on Ushijima’s face. Oikawa thinks about letting the conversation drop then. Perhaps this is enough for him to understand. _We are not equals._ Oikawa still wants to say however. _Our pain is a death sentence._ He wants to declare. _Do you see now, why I can’t accept this bond?_

“Sometimes, the pain I feel doesn’t reach you.” Oikawa explains, the sight of Ushijima’s crestfallen expression forcing the words out of him. “Sometimes, the pain you cause doubles for me.” _Is this cruel?_ He wonders. _Will this make you hate me?_ “That’s the unbalance.” _I’m broken._ “How can I trust my bond when this is the cards fate has given me?”

And that’s what it comes down to. How can Oikawa ever believe in anything that’s so fucked up? Unexplained pain, inaccurate emotions. At this point, is Ushijima even his soulmate? Maybe it was all a coincidence.

“So after knowing this, how can you be so sure I’m meant for you? That I’m the one behind your pain? That the pain we feel is even real?” Oikawa asks questions that have haunted him for the past years, whatever filter he has originally thought he was in control of, long gone.

Ushijima, for his part, doesn’t seem to have an answer.

But like the whistle blown by the referee, signalling the end of a match, a sound breaks through the hallway. Loud and desperate knocking against Ushijima’s door. Oikawa snaps his head towards the sound while Ushijima moves with urgency to open the door.

In a matter of seconds, Oikawa is watching with wide eyes as the door opens to reveal Bokuto’s panting figure. He looks like he ran a whole marathon. Ushijima looks conflicted, frozen on his spot by the door, unable to make sense out of the situation while Bokuto is bent over, supporting his weight with his knees, a handful of papers tightly gripped in his hands.

“Waka...Toshi.” Bokuto gasps. “Is he...” he trails off, looking up to catch Oikawa’s eyes.

Oikawa’s heart lunches forward at the reminder of the last time he was trapped in those eyes. “Oikawa.” Bokuto call’s out, his voice numbing Oikawa’s entire being.

“Are you okay?” Ushijima is asking, his hand resting on Bokuto’s shoulder as Bokuto continues to try to catch his breath. It takes his a moment, but soon enough Bokuto straightens up, facing Ushijima to offer him a smile before he walks past him to stand right in front of Oikawa.

Oikawa is speechless. This— he is not prepared for this. It has taken him four weeks to prepare himself to see Ushijima, not Bokuto. Bokuto and him, they don’t have a history.Truthfully, Oikawa had simply planned to make his rejection official on his last day in Japan. Preferably via a phone call. This— this wasn’t—

“Tooru.” Bokuto says, clearing Oikawa’s mind from his worry to instead be flooded with unwanted desires. With unwanted feelings of warmth, fondness, _yearning_. “I’m sorry” Bokuto states abruptly, shoving the papers he holds under his armpit before his hands are reaching out to grab a hold of Oikawa’s face. Oikawa freezes, shocked at his boldness and at the feel of his calloused hands gently but firmly grabbing a hold of him. “There is something I have to say.” Oikawa gulps, completely taken by surprise. He dares a glance over to Ushijima to notice him appear just as confused.

“O…okay?”

Bokuto nods reassuring himself before he inhales and parts his lips. “Oikawa Tooru. You’re my soulmate.” Oikawa thinks that perhaps nothing will ever taste as bittersweet as those words. “Nothing will change that.” Bokuto lets him go and immediately goes to grab the papers. Oikawa is dazed. “I... I won’t say I understand.” Bokuto then says, reaching out to hand over the papers to Oikawa. “It would be a lie.”

 _Test results._ The paper reads. _Bokuto Koutarou._

“How our bond works... the unbalance from your end— I don’t have the answers to that. No one does.” Bokuto sighs and Oikawa can barely hear him over his own thoughts on the papers he now holds. “We might never find those answers.” Oikawa looks up, noticing Bokuto’s adam’s apple move as he finally takes in just how nervous Bokuto appears. “I’m not a strong believer in fate, but I do believe in my emotions. In my feelings. In what’s inside here.” He taps his chest, signalling his heart much like Oikawa had a few minutes ago. Then, out of nowhere Bokuto expression falls, he looks discouraged as he chokes back a cry and states; “I want to be by your side. I want to hold you. I want to comfort you. I want to help you shoulder the pain.“

“It doesn’t work that way.” Oikawa quickly states. He can already feel the tears forming.

“I know.” Bokuto admits after a moment, face down. “I want to make this fair... but I can’t.” From the other side of the room, Ushijima loudly inhales. “All I can do is ask that you forgive me.”

That’s—

How—

 _How dare you._ Oikawa mentally screams, the anger in him quickly spreading like wildfire. “It’s not your fault.“ He utters.

“Forgive me for not being enough.” Bokuto adds, speaking over Oikawa’s trembling voice. “I’m sorry.” _Shut up._ “I’m—“

“Shut up.” Oikawa snarls, his hands curling into fists by his side. “Why would you even— can’t you see? This has nothing to do with us!” Oikawa steps forward, grabbing the front of Bokuto’s shirt in a tight grip, pulling forward so that they are face to face as Oikawa yells at him. “I can’t control what pain travels through our bond. _You_ can’t control it. None of us can! This is just—this is just _fate_.” From the corner of his vision Oikawa watches as Ushijima seems to move around the room, in search of something. He doesn’t get the chance to watch further when Bokuto’s hand reaches to circle around the hand that grips his shirt tightly. Oikawa feels his heartbeat quicken. “It could have been you. It could have been Ushijima. It was a gamble. I was the lucky one.” Oikawa snorts, hating how he believes his own words. Hating how they render him useless. “I don’t blame you for this, so why are you apologizing?”

“Then why?” Bokuto rebukes. Oikawa recoils at the anger in his eyes. “Why won’t you call back my name?”

Oikawa is staring at Bokuto, he is looking right into his eyes and— he thinks he sees something break in there.

Oikawa himself feels like he everything around him is shattering.

He lets go of his shirt and pulls his hand away from Bokuto’s grip. He takes a step back. “You don’t need me for that.” He tries, taking another step away from Bokuto. In his mind, Oikawa thinks he hears the sound of broken glass with every step he takes. Then in an instant, Ushijima is standing behind Bokuto. Oikawa feels another piece break. “You have each other.”

Silence. Oikawa doesn’t move further.

“Right.” Bokuto eventually says. “Of course.”Oikawa bites his tongue, watching Bokuto turn to the side to meet Ushijima’s eyes and offers him a tight smile. “I— I need a moment.” He doesn’t wait for any of them to say something; he walks down the hall of the apartment, most likely to Ushijima’s bedroom, before softly closing the door behind him.

Once again, silence.

Though in his mind the glass room, the one Oikawa pictures himself standing in, is still breaking apart.

“The pain will be there whether you’re by our side or not.” Ushijima says, breaking the silence with words Oikawa never expected to hear. He turns around, his shoulder slumped in defeat to meet his eyes. Ushijima is standing in front of him, closer than before. This time Oikawa recognizes the expression he wears.

Disdain.

Oikawa opens his mouth to make some sort of remark; to further ignite the fuel that hides behind Ushijima’s eyes. He opens his mouth but no words come out. Instead Ushijima extends his hand and Oikawa’s eyes fall on another set of papers.

“What is this…?” _Test results._ Oikawa takes the papers. _Ushijima Wakatoshi._

“I don’t have the answers either.” Ushijima declares before Oikawa can question him further. _Do you hate me?_ Oikawa can’t help but wonder. “I should go to him.”

 _Right_. “I’ll help myself out.” Oikawa mumbles.

Ushijima doesn’t say anything else. He leaves Oikawa alone in the living room, traitorous tears on his cheeks while his hands tightly grip the papers he was given. When Oikawa hears another door close, the very last bit of glass breaks around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, the next chapter will be up soon enough.  
> Thoughts? 
> 
> You can also talk to me on twitter. @sun_kissed5
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. My Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I have so many more ideas for this trio in this au, so I'm definitely going to write more on them. But for now: this is it.  
> Thanks for reading. Enjoy!  
> 

Oikawa drives back to his childhood home.

He does it without realizing it. He gets in the car, his hand gripping tightly onto the papers they handed him, his body moving on its own while his mind clouds with the overwhelming information he now holds. He drives past Akaashi and Iwaizumi’s apartment; he drives past his hotel; he drives out of Tokyo and five hours later, he parks his mothers car on the driveway, his body drained while the tears have dried on his cheek.

Oikawa falls sleeps as soon as he makes it to his bed and he wakes up three hours later when Iwaizumi calls to check up on him. Oikawa keeps the conversation short, incapable of actually giving his friend any details of what transpired since he himself can’t wrap his head around it. He goes back to sleep after Iwaizumi agrees to pick his stuff up from the hotel, to keep them until Oikawa’s flight.

Then, he manages to sleep for the next eight hours.

When he wakes up, his mother is there. She is there with a cup of tea waiting for him, her smile gentle though the lines on her forehead give away her worry. “I didn’t think you were coming back.” She says, placing the cup on the small bedside table. Oikawa hums, thinking back to two days ago when he had officially hugged his mother goodbye, promising her Iwaizumi would return her car whenever he came to visit his parents with his soulmate. His mother at the time had been upset with Oikawa’s decision to take the flight from Tokyo instead of Sendai; her reasoning being that she enjoyed waving goodbye to him at the airport like all those cliche dramas.

His mother reaches over to graze her palm over Oikawa’s right cheek and Oikawa blinks back as he remembers his state. He opens his mouth to explain, but no words seem to come out. Instead, he chokes and his eyes water, catching his mom by surprise. She hesitates but when Oikawa begins breathing heavily to keep the emotions inside at bay, her expression quickly changes to one of determination as she takes his face in her hands. “Tooru.” She says gently and Oikawa takes in the warmth of her touch as the emotions bottled inside finally spill over. He breaks down. Like a child with no control over his body, he comes apart in his mothers hand.

He cries and cries, shaking as he feels every bit of his despair in his entire body; he wails until his lugs are begging for more air; he sobs until there seems no more tears left to cry and somewhere in-between all that, he manages to confess:“I have a poly bond.”

When his mother’s hold loosens, Oikawa lets the shame consume him as he takes in the shock transform her worried smile into something cold. He shakes at her silence, hating to see the disappointment in her eyes. Her silence hurts deeper than anything else. He panics once the silence stretches for longer than he expected. He quickly attempts to make things better by explaining the situation— Explaining why he never told her, explaining how deeply his conviction on soulmates runs.

Which just means he utters excuses that are starting to lose their value with everything that’s happened. When he is done talking, he doesn’t even remember what he said. But whatever it was, it changes the expression on his mothers face. “Oh, Tooru.” She says eventually. Oikawa can’t help but think their is pity in her tone. “You really are too kind.” She adds. “You’re so much like your father.”

Those words shake his insides. His stomach churns and his lungs fight for oxygen while his heart presses against his chest with force. _“Mom.”_ he calls out, hoping she will clarify her words because Oikawa doesn’t think his mind can keep up any longer. His mother smiles at him, moving her arms to wrap them around his body. She pulls him closer and Oikawa tries to protest, afraid that he will end up hurting her with his weight, but she doesn’t loosen her grip. She takes him in, completely surrounding him with the comfort of her hold.

His mother holds him the same way she did all those years ago; when all the guest had left the funeral home and Oikawa no longer needed to put up a brave face. She holds him with care; not as if he were a fragile glass piece but rather as if Oikawa was the only thing that mattered to her. Oikawa remembers admiring his mother for that strength. He remembers thinking she was some sort of superhuman because how else can someone display so much love, when the person they associated love with has left their side?

So many years have passed. So many years and yet… here he still is, craving her comfort and touch because the wound in his heart still feels fresh. Here his mother still is, strong and brave, continuing to love even though fate took what she loved the most away.

“There is nothing that says you have to go through this alone.” She says at some point. “There is no reason for this to be a burden only you carry.” Oikawa tries to argue, he tries to say it’s how fate has it planned but she doesn’t let him. Instead; “you asked about the lavenders.” His mother says and then she puts a little distance between them so she can meet his eyes as she tells him a story she now thinks he is ready to hear. 

She tells him about the florist she met a year ago.

(She is a woman a bit younger than her, but they have similar personalities. She has her own flower shop and she is obsessed with flowers; but her heart always finds comfort in plants. obsession over flowers. She is addicted to caffeine. She has two pets. She likes all her customers except an older lady that’s always way too rough with her daisies. She has a soft smile and eyes that hold a million mysteries.)

He listens to his mother’s chatter, taking in the smile behind her words. He listens with a heavy heart but an open mind all the way until the end. Her smile stays the same but there is hesitation in her words as she goes to grab his hands. _Just tell me._ Oikawa thinks. _I know._ A part inside him whispers. He tightens his hold on her hands and his mother finally tells him all about the florist’s soulmate bond. (She dreams, but she can never remember what. She dreams, but when she is awake and trying to think back, it’s all black.) Oikawa knows exactly what his mother is trying to say. He knows what conclusion she wants him to reach.

But Oikawa doesn’t have the guts. Instead he hugs his mother and he lets her hug him back. “Fate doesn’t make mistakes.” His mother tells him. “Sometimes we do.”

He doesn’t have anything to say to that.

He goes through the motions for the remainder of the week. Two days before his flight he drives back to Tokyo and hides in Iwaizumi and Akaashi’ guest room to avoid any type of interaction. The day of his flight he doesn’t even think twice before he cancels it. Sometime in the past few days he has made the decision to see all this through. He is not going to run away. He needs to have one more conversation with his soulmates. He needs— for now, he needs time.

“You can stay here however long you want.” Akaashi tells him and Oikawa is thankful for his understanding. He is also thankful for his silence on the matter. He is thankful that even though he clearly wants to ask, to inquire, to help; he doesn't. He always bites his cheek and offers Oikawa the space he needs to reach his own conclusion.

His best friend, is much the same. Though on a random day when he is using Iwaizumi’s lap as a pillow while the other goes over his emails on his phone, Iwaizumi states; “Tooru, I know you will do the right thing.” Oikawa, who’s always dragging his feet around his friend’s apartment with what appears to be the weight of the world, takes comfort in Iwaizumi’s words. But that doesn’t mean he believes in them.

He takes a long walk around the city that night. _What’s the right thing?_ He ponders, never finding an answer. Instead his mind seems to cloud more than usual. His thoughts seem to end with more questions than answers. Whatever memory that plays in his head is always tied to pain and heartbreak. It’s draining. Destructive. He feels like he isn’t making any progress.

Which is why it takes him three more days until he cracks and seeks for help. He calls Tsukishima, hoping for blunt and honest words that can refocus Oikawa’s thoughts. Instead, Tsukishima tells him to seek for advice from someone Oikawa hasn’t even properly met yet. (Simply saying each others name in mock politeness doesn’t count.) But over the years Oikawa has learned to trust Tsukishima’s insightfulness. So he makes another call.

Then, two days later, he is standing on a volleyball court. Tsukishima and Osamu stand behind him and on the other side of the net, Atsumu, Sakusa and Suna face them. Atsumu holds the ball, his face predatory as he says; “Best three out of five?”

Oikawa takes the challenge, the smug face of the setter already igniting the competitive nature that resides in his body. “I’m going to regret this.” Osamu is that last to speak before the ball is hit to play.

For a three on three, Oikawa makes Osamu and Tsukishima do more than necessary but its not like Atsumu is any better.All of the opposing three are active athletes so it’s no surprise that they manage to quickly find a rhythm that works for them. Oikawa easily syncs up with Tsukishima while Osamu, who hasn’t had the chance to do much practice in the last few months, struggles to keep up with Oikawa’s play. Even so, he is not terrible, which Oikawa is thankful for. He wants to win.

Atsumu takes the first two sets. Oikawa takes the next two once he figures out how to work with Osamu in areas he is lacking. With Osamu’s confidence growing, the banter with his brother also grows. Soon after Tsukishima and Suna begin to get caught up in the game and so their bickering begins. Oikawa himself ends up butting heads with Sakusa, who is always all too eager to dig those balls that had felt like a safe point.

It’s irritating, _exciting._

They play half of the last set and then Osamu is throwing himself on the ground, refusing to do anymore. Atsumu claims victory but Oikawa is not all that bothered even though he feels like he still has energy to continue. Though with a quick warning glance from Tsukishima and Suna he stops himself from demanding a rematch and instead pulls Atsumu aside.

“I thought Samu was joking when he mentioned you wanted to talk.”Atsumu tells him once they are out of earshot from the others.

“Yet you agreed to come?” Oikawa says, his mind already trying to figure out how to bring up what he wanted to say.

Atsumu shrugs. “Wanted to test yer skills. Argentina is known to be a challenger for us.”

 _So does everyone know he gave up his Japanese citizenship— focus._ “I didn’t know you played for the country.” Oikawa says because it’s the truth. Last he checked, Kageyama, alongside another senior player were listed as Japan’s only setters.

“Roster was recently updated.” Atsumu explains crossing his arms as he gives Oikawa a thoughtful look. “Bokkun was called to join, didja know?”

Oikawa stiffens, quickly realizing it's because he doesn’t like the familiarity Atsumu expresses, rather than the mention of his soulmate. “I didn’t.” He says, a mixture of respect and jealousy coursing through his body.

“Huh.” Atsumu says, tilting his head as he adds; “I thought you’d cry hearing his name.”

Oikawa grits his teeth, already regretting listening to Tsukishima. “I pulled you aside to talk about them.” He remarks. “Crying would be counterproductive.”

There is a moment of silence in which Atsumu takes his time to study Oikawa’s expression clearly before he speaks. “Ya really want advice on soulmates from me?”

 _No_. Oikawa thinks, out loud he says; “Kei-kun and your brother thought you could help.”

 _“Atsumu-san might be able to give you a different perspective on the matter.”_ Had been Tsukishima’s exact words.

 _“You don’t need to tell him anything about yer bond, or yer soulmates.”_ Osamu had said when Oikawa called him to see if he could arrange a meeting with his brother. (He also called to apologize for his abrupt exist last time and to check up on how him and Yamaguchi were doing.) _“Just hear his story."_

Atsumu snorts, bringing Oikawa out of his head. “Of course they did.” He mumbles, the irritation in his expression clear. “Takes someone a little fucked up to understand someone else just as fucked.” Oikawa doesn’t know what to say to that. His confusion must show since Atsumu chuckles to himself before he says; “Kiyoomi knew we were soulmates when we were in high school.” A pause. “I found out a few months ago.”

Oikawa lets his eyes travel to the other side of the gym where Atsumu’s soulmate is having a conversation with Tsukishima. He then takes a moment to think about everything he knows about Sakusa. Nothing really comes up apart from the fact that he had so easily said _'Wakatoshi is my friend’_ the last time he saw him. He meets Atsumu’s eyes after a few seconds, unsure of what to say. So to fill the silence, Atsumu speaks. “So if ya want; I can give you a perspective on how yer soulmates feel about being rejected.” He chuckles again. “Ya know, Tsukki-kun and Samu are really twisted. I bet Suna was in on it too. Though I guess it makes sense. Guilt is always an easy way to get people to _move_.”

“Sakusa didn’t reject you.” Oikawa decides to say, trying to ignore the comment about guilt. “I mean— right now, he is with you. You didn’t— I don’t understand.”

Atsumu tries to explain it. He tells Oikawa about their matching marks. Tells him about always being proud of it, always showcasing it in hopes that his soulmate would see and reach out to him. He tells him about the first time he saw the same mark on Sakusa. In the showers, already a year after the two were playing on the same team. He even tells Oikawa all about the thoughts that haunted him the moment Sakusa admitted he knew, for _years._

It’s not really all that similar to Oikawa’s situation. It’s not like Atsumu and Sakusa’s story matches Oikawa’s story with his soulmates. It’s not like Atsumu or Sakusa share Oikawa’s opinion on soulmates. _Yet—_

Oikawa finds himself relating. He finds himself incapable of stopping Atsumu as the other speaks to him with nothing but honesty when the focus of the conversation turns to his own bond. “So what is it, Tooru-kun? You don’t think yer good enough? Or you think yer better off?” Oikawa feels his insides squirm in discomfort. “If they are stupid enough to want you, what’s the problem?”

“It’s not that easy.” Oikawa stresses, trying to ignore Atsumu’s lack of consideration on his wording.

Atsumu doesn't even bat an eye. “Why not? The pain will be there regardless of what decision you make.” He says, echoing the similar words Ushijima last spoke to him. “I know you probably have your reasons— but take it from someone who’s had to make sense of their soulmate’s reasoning. _Fuck_ your reasons. They don’t care. Whatever reason you think is good enough to reject a soulmate bond, it will never be enough for your soulmates.”

“So I’m just suppose to accept whatever fate demands?”

Atsumu rolls his eyes. “I know yer not stupid. This was never about whether or not fate is right. The sun goes up every day. Time goes forward. We breathe air. Soulmates— soulmates are a part of our reality. This was always about _you_.” Atsumu inhales. “So leave fate out of it and _grow up_.”

Oikawa’s fist shake with anger. “You think it’s so easy—“

“No. I know it's not easy.” Something painful seems to inhabit in Atsumu’s eyes. Oikawa thinks that maybe he can switch this entire conversation around. He thinks that maybe with the right words, Atsumu can start seeing things from Oikawa’s own eyes. That maybe, Atsumu and him are more alike than they both originally thought. “If it were, then maybe I would have rejected my bond.” Oikawa feels himself freeze. Atsumu’s words feel like a slap to the face. Then, like a final nail to the coffin:

“If it were easy, Bokkun and Ushijima would have never called out your name.”

-o-

Ushijima hurts himself near the end of the first practice with the national team. He sprains his ankle when he lands wrongly after colliding with a teammate on a jump to block a spike. The pain he feels come from his leg is minimal compared to the pain that comes with knowing he will have to sit on a bench for at least two weeks. He is going to miss two games with the Adlers and maybe one game for the olympics qualifiers. It’s frustrating. It makes his blood boil. He can’t do anything about it. 

Bokuto, who is occupied with his own practice, watches him from a far, a helpless look on his face the entire time Ushijima is trying to calm himself down. At some point Ushijima catches the thorn expression on his soulmate’s face and accepts that he has failed in keeping his pain to himself.

Practice ends with everyone in a poor mood. His injure has clearly upset many of his teammates and Ushijima hates himself a little more with the way they watch him as the team’s medics look after him. Bokuto, for his part, doesn’t approach him. He doesn’t know if its because they have been ignoring each other since their confrontation with Oikawa or because he knows Ushijima feels guilty for his injury and the pain he has caused both him and Oikawa.

It still hurts. Specially when Sakusa is the one that approaches him to offer him a ride home. “He asked me to take you.” Sakusa says after a moment (probably after he catches the desperate look he shoot’s Bokuto’s back when the other leaves the the gym) “He has plans with some friends.” There is a pause and then; “I thought you two were fine?”

“We are.” They are. It’s just that… it’s hard. Coming to terms with the inevitable end that approaches… its hard. Ushijima can’t really put more words to describe the overwhelming feelings that consume him every day with thoughts of Oikawa. Oikawa and how he is going to reject him (them). _Again_.

 _That last conversation was basically a rejection._ His mind reminds him _. Not yet._ A tiny part whispers back.

“Oikawa hasn’t given you an answer yet?” Sakusa asks, carrying Ushijima’s bag to his car. An answer, is really a stretch. Though there was no other way to explain it to his friend. After all, Ushijima and Bokuto are pretty sure they know Oikawa’s answer. It’s just that… they have agreed to hope that perhaps the tests results they handed him could make some sort of difference.

“No.” Ushijima says. “Though Iwaizumi has confirmed he is till in Japan.”

Sakusa hums. “I saw him three days ago.”

Ushijima almost hurts his neck with the backlash of his turn. “You saw him?”

His friend’s expression is unreadable due to his mask. “He wanted to talk to Atsumu.” Sakusa explains. “The only way Atsumu would agree is if he played a match against him. I was roped into it.”

They make it to Ushijima’s car. Sakusa helps him to the passenger seat and once his friend is seated on the driver seat, Ushijima resume the conversation. “What did they talk about?”

Sakusa goes quiet. Ushijima knows Sakusa is a quiet person but this silence drags on for longer than usual. Even so, Ushijima patiently waits. He waits until Sakusa has parked the car outside Ushijima’s complex. “He wouldn’t tell me.” Ushijima feels his throat dry, surprised to hear the pain so clearly in Sakusa’s words. “Which means they probably talked about me. Or our bond.”

Ushijima knows they have matching marks, though he takes a moment to realize that he doesn’t know much about Sakusa and Atsumu. “Your bond?”

Sakusa seems to understand what he is questioning. Yet instead of answering, he says; “I think soulmates are overrated.” Ushijima doesn’t say anything. He simply watches the way Sakusa’s hand tighten against the steering wheel, the car already off. “If we lived in a world without them…” Sakusa goes on. “I don’t think I would be dating Atsumu.” Then, in a whisper he says; “I don’t think he would have ever given me a chance.” The words sink and Ushijima finds himself struggling to come up with something to say to reassure his friend. Before he can even open his mouth however, Sakusa is adding; “which is why people like me, like Oikawa…we are thankful. Thankful for the world we live in.” And like a final piece to a puzzle; “For the time fate gives us.”

_(“What are we doing wrong?" Bokuto had asked the moment Ushijima had joined him in the bedroom, leaving Oikawa in his living room. “How can we make him understand?”_

_“He needs time.”_ Ushijima remembers saying, hardly believing his own words. How can he when time has only proven to be meaningless when it comes to Oikawa’s feelings towards him. _He hates me._ Ushijima thinks. _He has always hated me and he will always hate me. )_

So how can Sakusa so earnestly claim Oikawa is thankful? “You’re wrong.” He tells his friend. Sakusa doesn’t react to his words. “Oikawa’s greatest burden is the bond that ties us. He hates our bond. It’s a death sentence.” That’s what Oikawa had said. Thats what he thinks of Ushijima.

“He only hates himself.” Sakusa states before he turns his face to meet Ushijima’s eyes. “For being incapable of hating you.”

-o-

Bokuto doesn’t except Tsukishima’s call, specially when his old friend wastes no time in scolding him for keeping his distance from Ushijima while his soulmate is at home alone, injured. Bokuto is so taken a back he can’t find the words to react as Tsukishima rants on. He even has to splash some water on his face to make sure he isn’t hallucinating. Then, when Tsukishima’s rant is finally over, Bokuto finally finds the energy to utter; “What?”

It’s then that Tsukishima confesses that both Akaashi and Kuroo had been the ones to type out Tsukishima’s entire rant and Bokuto takes a moment to get angry before he calms himself down and makes sense of the situation.

Okay, so he has been ignoring both of Akaashi’s and Kuroo’s calls. Akaashi because talking to Akaashi means thinking about his last talk with Iwaizumi and honestly, Bokuto can’t shake away the guilt he feels for forcing Iwaizumi to betray his best friend’s secret. Kuroo because his friend has some how found out that he was now talking to one of his soulmates, and with everything thats happening, Bokuto really didn’t want to talk about it.

It makes sense that they settled on coercing Tsukishima to get involved. Bokuto tends to hold the younger middle blocker in high regard. He hates upsetting him. “I’ll go see him.” He tells Tsukishima.

“ _If you really don’t want to, then don’t._ ”

“I do want to.” Bokuto says because it’s the truth. “ I just… it feels wrong, without Oikawa—ah, sorry. I know you probably don’t want to hear about it.”

“ _Why would you think that?_ ” Tsukishima asks, sounding curious though Bokuto thinks he sounds a little hurt as well.

Bokuto grabs the phone from where it rests between his ear and shoulder. He positions it properly before he says; “Because it must be hard, right? Being caught in the middle of this.”

“ _Bokuto-san_.” Tsukishima sighs softly and Bokuto smiles.

“I’m glad you called, Tsukki!” He says. “I’ll go see Wakatoshi.” Then after a slight hesitation. “Also, thank you.”

“ _Kuroo-san threatened to visit me if I didn’t call you._ ”

Bokuto laughs. “I know. Thank you for that.” He then adds; “though I was thanking you for being a good friend.”

“ _Akaashi-san was leaving me a voicemail every hour—_ “

“To Oikawa.” Bokuto adds. “Thank you for being a good friend to Oikawa.”

He hears Tsukishima inhale from the other line. “ _Okay_.” He says and Bokuto hums contently. He then hangs up after a short goodbye.

He hopes Tsukishima isn’t all that shocked about Bokuto knowing of his friendship with Oikawa. He also hopes he never asks about the details since he is a little embarrassed with how he came to know the information. Even so, he meant every word. Furthermore as he gets ready to go see his soulmate, he begins to think of all the people he should also be thanking. After all, as this slowly continues to feel like it’s reaching an end, it’s only natural that he wants to deal with every loose end.

So that after the verdict is out, there wont be loose ends that can serve as reminders to what could have been.

Bokuto tries to push all negativity out his mind on his way to Ushijima’s apartment. The drive from his hotel (the one he is staying at for the remainder of practices with the national team) is short but long enough to give Bokuto enough time to build up his courage.

Once he is there, he thinks about texting Ushijima to give him a warning but decides against it. If he catches him off-guard, there is no way Ushijima can come up with an excuse to not see him. Not that Bokuto truly thinks his soulmate will send him away. He sighs, feeling shivers run up his arms as he gets on the elevator that takes him up to his soulmate’s floor. _Relax,_ he tells himself, closing his eyes until the sound signalling his arrival sounds.

The doors of the elevator open and Bokuto steps out only to come face to face with Oikawa.

Bokuto takes a second to let the sight of his soulmate sink in before he fully takes in his appearance and he is opening his mouth to ask; _are you okay?_ Only for Oikawa to wave his hand dismissively saying; “I took the stairs.” His eyes are swollen and the state of his hair cannot be explained by a jog up some stairs, but Bokuto doesn’t point that out. He nods and Oikawa studies him for a second before turning to make his way to Ushijima’s door where he knocks three times.

Bokuto stares for a minute before he too moves, going past Oikawa as he reaches for his copy of the keys to Ushijima’s apartment from his pocket. “Well.” Oikawa huffs, stepping aside so Bokuto can get the door open. He fumbles with the keys, trying to find the right one. Once he does, he extends his hand and—

“Bokuto.” He freezes, letting the sound of his name echo through his entire body. “Bokuto Koutarou.” It’s said like a soft whisper, one that Bokuto could have easily missed if he wasn’t paying close attention. Bokuto has waited to hear his name from his soulmate but— but not like _this._ Mixed with defeat and so much fear. _Not like this._ His mind growls. _Not like the final nail of your coffin._ Bokuto turns, meeting Oikawa’s eyes with his mouth open to rebuke him but— “I don’t think I can do this.” Oikawa says and Bokuto is once again losing himself to depths of the broken expression in his soulmate’s eyes.

 _Not like this._ “Oikawa.” Bokuto starts, putting the keys back in his pocket as he takes a step forward.

“I don’t think I can carry on with this facade.” Oikawa says and Bokuto watches as his entire expression twists painfully while Bokuto’s entire body begins to feel every inch of Oikawa’s pain. Pain that’s so easily coated with denial, rejection, regret, hatred and fear. “I don’t know what to believe.” Oikawa confesses. “I don’t even know— what am I doing? Who am I doing this for?”

 _I don’t know._ Bokuto thinks. _I don’t know. I never know. Why can’t I— how can I help you?_ Oikawa chokes, his hands moving to rub at his eyes. _Please let me help you._

A second passes.

Then another.

 _“Please.”_ Oikawa pleads, his arms to the side in defeat. Bokuto doesn’t even think, he wastes no time in reaching out and taking him in his arms. “I want—” Oikawa gasps quickly moving his hands to cling unto Bokuto’s back. “I want— Bokuto— _Koutarou._ ” Bokuto has an arm around Oikawa’s neck while the other one tightly presses them closer as it rests on Oikawa’s lower back. He can feel the way Oikawa’s chest beats radically— though maybe it’s his own heartbeat. Either way, the desperation of the hold isn’t lost to him. He wants to think something out of how easily Oikawa holds him, of how he fits perfectly against his body. He wants to take in every second of this position. He wants to acknowledge the part of his mind that screams; _this,_ echoed with; _he wants your comfort— he wants_ you.

But Bokuto can’t ignore the pain he feels. He can’t ignore the tears Oikawa and himself are shedding. He can’t selfishly hope for something that feels so _forced._ He lets a few more seconds pass before Bokuto moves back his arms to take a hold of Oikawa’s face. He ignores how the touch of Oikawa’s skin makes him feel and instead presses their foreheads together. Their eyes meet and Bokuto has an even clearer view of the broken soul Oikawa hides. His heart presses against his chest— _not like this_ —Bokuto wants nothing more than to scream at the world for causing this. Scream at himself for being the reason for this. Scream at fate for forcing so much pain upon his soulmate.

“The pain won’t go away.” Bokuto tells him after more silence. Oikawa doesn’t react to the words. “It’s never going to go away, okay?”

“I know.” Oikawa says after a moment, his voice hoarse. “I know. I don’t care.” He stresses. “I just— I need to be sure. I.” He stops, closing his eyes while Bokuto simply stares, trying to find the right words to say. _Not like this._ When Oikawa opens his eyes again, his eye seem eager to focus on something. “If this doesn’t work out—if in the end, it’s all for nothing... I won’t be able to— I am not _strong_. I’m not strong enough to live past that.”

“Don’t say that.” Bokuto immediately says, his mind going back to what Ushijima shared about Oikawa’s father. He shivers at the thought of the implication behind his soulmate’s words. “There is no need for that.” _How do I help you? What can I do?_

“It’s how I feel.” Oikawa argues, the conviction in his voice enough to leave Bokuto with zero doubt. That scares him. “It’s how I’m always going to feel, so I need to know if... if that’s enough.” Oikawa says. “If knowing that changes anything.”

Bokuto wants to laugh, wondering if Oikawa thinks there is anything that could ever change how he feels. _Not like this_. His thinks, one last time. _But I want you._ _I’ll always want you. I…whatever you want. However. Whenever._

_I want you._

“What are you saying?” Bokuto ends up asking because he doesn’t want to misunderstand anything. He wants Oikawa to spell it out for him so that Bokuto can stop the turmoil in his heart.

“I’m saying that this is not going to be easy.” Oikawa starts, his hands finally reaching up to place over Bokuto’s hands that still hold his face gently. “I’m saying that most of the time I’m going to be kilometres away.” He adds. “I won’t sacrifice what I’ve given my life for. I’m not going to change. For you or for Ushijima.” Oikawa speaks clearly and for a second—for just a short second— Bokuto thinks his tone has a hint of acceptance. “I’m going to be unreasonable. Unbearable. Insufferable— I… It wont be easy. _I_ wont make it easy. I won’t be the soulmate you dreamed of.” Oikawa lowers their hands but he doesn’t let go. Instead he interlocks his fingers with Bokuto, glancing down at their joint hands for a second before looking back up. “But I want to try.”

 _That’s all I want._ Bokuto thinks but for some reason he can’t get his mouth to move. He nods furiously, hoping Oikawa can understand that the desire to say so much has muted him. Oikawa watches him, his eyes follow every bit of movement. It’s then that Bokuto realizes Oikawa’s eyes hold more than just his broken soul. They hold so many emotions he doesn’t even think he could name them. They hold so many questions, he fears he will never be capable of providing answers.

They hold so much expectations that Bokuto promises himself right then that he will move mountains if he has to. He will do everything in his power to be enough. If Oikawa has to carry the burden of an unbalanced bond, then he can carry the burden of everything else. He is not built out of steel, but what he feels towards his soulmates might as well be the steel foundation they will need to build their relationship.

Bokuto’s thoughts instantly trail off to Ushijima. He blinks, as if breaking out of a trance and he can see Oikawa do the same as they both glance to the door of their soulmate’s apartment. Oikawa loosens the hold on his hands and Bokuto instantly looks back at him to catch the hesitation that’s easily displayed on his face.

For a second, Bokuto’s heart drops as he considers the possibility of Oikawa never calling out Ushijima’s name. He lets his heart twist in pain at the thought of having to make a decision with that outcome and—Oikawa inhales, takes a step back and looks at Bokuto with calm eyes. Bokuto breathes in and pushes all his doubts away. He grabs the keys from his pocket and once again goes to open the door. This time Oikawa doesn’t stop him.

He pushes the door open and enters, Oikawa following after him before he closes the door behind him.

Inside they are met with the sight of Ushijima sleeping on the couch. His foot is placed on a pillow over the coffee table while there is a bag of ice on the floor beside him. Bokuto feels a comforting feeling spread through his body at the sight of Ushijima’s relaxed expression, though a part of him hurts knowing it will go away the moment he wakes up.

Oikawa is the first one to move closer. Each step he takes is slow and calculated. As Bokuto watches, he thinks of every scene from those slice of life movies; when there will be a last exchange between the leading characters, or when it’s time to a confess a long held secret. Bokuto lets a smile graze his lips, the scene tastes bittersweet.

His nerves shake him up, and though just minutes ago Bokuto basically got a confirmation to an inspiring future, he feels the hair on his arms rise so he excuses himself, mumbling something about making tea before he runs along to the kitchen to collect himself. He is nervous, and no matter what he tells himself, he can’t shake the nerves away.

It takes him around eight minutes to get the tea ready. He makes sure to work quietly, in order to not wake up Ushijima. He also strains his ears trying to hear any sound Oikawa might make in order to figure out what the other is doing to calm himself, or encourage himself, or… whatever it is that he needs to do. By the time he returns to the living room, the beating of his heart hasn’t really slowed, though a part of himself is a little more prepared for what is to come.

Bokuto can’t even begin to understand the history between his two soulmates. He doesn’t even know where to start. From the conversations he has had with Ushijima over the past weeks… the topic of his school experience with Oikawa was hardly ever brought up. Thinking back to his childhood always brought out the sadness in Ushijima’s eyes so Bokuto never pushed for information; even though he wanted to know beyond what he understood of their clashing ideals on soulmates.

Furthermore, though it’s now more than a little clear that Oikawa has held negative feelings towards Ushijima for a long time, Bokuto meant what he told his soulmates all those weeks ago. _You can’t hate your soulmate._ No matter what Ushijima believes, Oikawa doesn’t hate him. In fact, as Bokuto places the two cups of tea he brought out on the other side of the coffee table, he affirms his own statement as he watches Oikawa press the ice of bag that was on the floor gently over Ushijima’s ankle.

Oikawa’s eyes don’t hold any hate.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Bokuto sips his tea while Oikawa concentrates on Ushijima’s swollen ankle. At some point Bokuto fondly smiles at the frown on Oikawa face as he battles between holding the ice in place and checking the temperature of Ushijima’s skin. Oikawa ends up meeting his eyes when he pulls the bag away which brings out a small blush on his cheeks before he lets go of the bag to attempt to hide his embarrassment.

The bag falling on Ushijima’s ankle is what wakes him up. Bokuto winces even though the bag was hardly over a few centimetres away from his ankle so he doubts it hurt much. Ushijima must be a light sleeper and the only reason he hasn’t woken up earlier is probably because he hasn’t been sleeping well. Bokuto knows how serious he takes the sport they love, he wouldn’t be surprised if thoughts of incompetence and regret have been keeping him awake most nights. Perhaps the fact that Bokuto has kept his distance also played a factor in the shadows below his eyes.

Bokuto pushes those thoughts away as he watches Ushijima blink his eyes awake. It doesn’t take long for him to sit up slightly, the bag of ice falling on the floor once again as he takes in the sight of them. Bokuto tries to smile reassuringly but Ushijima’s expression doesn’t show anything but shock. His eyes go from Bokuto to his ankle to Oikawa before he opens his mouth to speak, yet no words come out.

Bokuto tries to think of something to say but Oikawa beats him to it. “How serious is it?”

Ushijima’s eyes go down to his ankle. Bokuto watches as Oikawa reaches for the ice once again before he places it over his foot. Bokuto thinks he sees Ushijima’s body shiver. “Just a sprain.” His soulmate says and then after a long pause. His eyes travel back to Oikawa. “Did you…feel it?”

Bokuto swallows, thinking about what Ushijima told him. Thinking about everything he now knows. Oikawa feels their pain. Sometimes more than he should. Sometimes hardly anything.

“It felt like a mosquito bite.” Oikawa shrugs and Bokuto is brought out of his thoughts as his eyes fall on the lines on Ushijima’s forehead. Bokuto himself feels his eyebrow raise at Oikawa’s statement. “You’re so stupid Ushiwaka.” Oikawa says before either of them can voice anything. His words are followed with silence. “Who gets hurt right before the Olympic qualifiers?” Oikawa laughs but Bokuto hears no humour behind it.

Instead he winces, knowing well how much those words are hurting Ushijima. “Oikawa.”

“Ushijima Wakatoshi.” Oikawa states silencing Bokuto immediately. Bokuto watches the way Ushijima’s face transform with slow ease at the sound of his name. Bokuto’s heart skips a beat. “Ushiwaka.” Oikawa calls him this time, a little louder. Bokuto watches as that nickname forces Ushijima’s expression to twist into something unreadable. “I hate you.” Oikawa then says, one hand on the ice bag, the other curled into a fist over his lap.

Bokuto stares at Ushijima’s crestfallen expression, his eyes clouded while the pain that sneaks out, stings Bokuto’s chest. The silence is deafening. “I hate you.” He repeats and Bokuto watches on silently as Oikawa’s body begins to shake. Ushijima makes a wounded sound and then Oikawa is letting go of the ice bag, he is using both hands to push himself up from the floor and Ushijima is extending his arms and—

Bokuto watches as Oikawa throws himself on Ushijima. He watches how he easily goes to wrap his arms around Ushijima’s neck while the other takes him in his arms, his eyes clearing out as something seems to click in Ushijima.

“I hate you.” Bokuto hears Oikawa’s muffled voice. “ _I hate you.”_

Bokuto feels a wave of pain.

It’s a moment engraved in Bokuto’s head. A moment he will forever hold close to his heart. Because the _I hate you_ sounded more like; _I hate what you do to me. I hate that I can’t hate you._ But it was still honest.

(Oikawa, as Bokuto comes to find, is just as unreasonable and insufferable as he promised he would be. “I hate you.” He will say, months later as they face each other on their journey to the Olympics.

And the again, months ahead when Oikawa returns for his mother’s wedding. _“I hate him.”_ he says, eyes on the tv as they watch the Adlers lose to EJP Raijin.

_That night, Ushijima drives for three hours to see Oikawa before he has to leave. Oikawa spends the thirty minutes Ushijima manages to stay awake complaining about the bet he lost against Tsukishima. Ushijima sleeps while Oikawa and Bokuto cook dinner and try to figure out how Bokuto is going to deal with the Raijin middle blockers when the Jackals face them next week._

_Ushijima doesn’t wake up for when Oikawa has to leave. Oikawa stops him from attempting to wake him up and instead Bokuto watches on as he leans down and kisses Ushijima’s forehead before fondly pushing his hair away from his face._

Time passes and they meet again, this time for the Olympics. _A family quarrel_.

_Atsumu and Oikawa seem to spend too much time throwing insults at each other. Kageyama seems to be questioning his life choice as he is somehow caught between it all. Iwaizumi later tells him that Oikawa’s teammates had been joking a lot throughout the match. His Spanish is not the best, but he caught a few statements.“Why don’t we squash your left hand, Tooru? how good are you in one handed sets?”_

When they are all gathered alongside a few friends for dinner the day before the closing ceremony, Oikawa will say ‘I hate you’ as he lets Ushijima massage his left hand while Bokuto plays with the fingers on Oikawa’s right hand.)

Bokuto will hear those words and he will always think back to this moment.

“I hate you.” Oikawa utters again, moving back enough for Bokuto to catch sight of his wide and clear eyes. Ushijima just holds him tighter. There is a lot he clearly wants to say but he is barely holding himself up. Ushijima’s head lays low, shame and frustration taking over his eyes but his hold on Oikawa doesn’t loosen. Oikawa shakes in his arms and Bokuto can see the tears that gather in Ushijima’s eyes as he tries to meet Bokuto’s eyes. Bokuto smiles at him before he gets what the desperate look means and moves.

It’s moments similar to this; years from now when through time they have built a stable relationship. When communication, patience, and loyalty forms the foundation of their home together. When the pain feels more and more like a blessing than a curse.

Bokuto usually finds himself just watching at some point, enjoying the sight of his soulmates together. Oikawa will hold himself much like he did that day, years ago in Ushijima's apartment, his eyes wide and clear; a window to his soul. The words he speaks are honest but unlike before, Ushijima doesn’t cast his head down in shame or frustration. Unlike last time Bokuto doesn’t feel a wave of pain. Unlike last time, Oikawa watches Ushijima, eyes unwavering as he says _I love you._

Bokuto can’t help the smile that forms on his face, especially when Ushijima blushes, letting his mouth part enough for Oikawa to stick his tongue in when he leans down to kiss him.

Ushijima will moan into the kiss and Oikawa will keep him in place with one arm while the other ghosts over his thigh, probably to fluster Ushijima further.

It’s around then when Bokuto will finally move closer to them. It’s then when he will lean over to bite at Oikawa’s shoulder to claim his attention. Oikawa will curse at him, distracted enough for Bokuto to manage to push him off Ushijima. “Kou.” Oikawa whines but Bokuto pays him little mind, he is already kissing Ushijima, pulling away ever so slightly to whisper his own love against his lips.

Eventually Oikawa will kick him before tackling him. Bokuto will laugh, letting Oikawa sneak his hands past his clothes. Ushijima will end up complaining, always on the receiving end of unpredictable limbs moving to find comfort. They don’t pay him much mind since he forgives them for every kick in the face or elbow to the gut he ends up receiving the moment they put their attention back on him.

“Toshi.” Oikawa will sometimes say, Ushijima will shy away from the emotions his voice carries and Bokuto will grin his away, raising his eyebrows suggestively as he echoes the nickname with a lewd tone.

Oikawa will intertwine their fingers together and Bokuto will let the memories of the past go to the back of his head.

The present is always much more intriguing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?  
> Any guesses on who's gonna be the focus on the series from now on? ahaha  
> Also, feel free to ask any questions if anything was unclear... nearly killed my brain with how much I had to think while writing this.  
> You can also talk to me on twitter: @sun_kissed5


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